I have taken to the ever-growing national past time of blaming former President George W. Bush for every malady, affliction and woe in my life. It just seems to make everything better somehow. Whether it is a physical impediment, an emotional burden or a natural occurrence beyond my control, it feels good to place the blame on the last pre-Messianic Age President ever to serve in the White House.
And it really does feel good – like finally making it to the restroom after holding it for so long.
It’s a relief.
Thus, as I take inventory of all the ills and imperfections on and around me, big and small, the unseemly weight of personal responsibility and accountability is thrust off my sagging shoulders.
Freedom never felt so good.
Those hangnails that sit like surf boards off the side of my big toe can now be blamed on former President Bush. Cracked molars that absorb the cold of ice cream with the subtlety of an anvil to the skull can be attributed to the man who couldn’t say “nuclear.” Volcano eruptions, twelve-car pileups, fragrant flatulence, unsweet cantaloupes and canker sores can all be laid at the feet of the Crawford, Texas King Daddy … and I can finally kick back and focus on writing poetry and complaining about stuff.
Even divorce can be blamed on “W.”
The news of the separation of climate god, Al Gore, and his wife, Tipper, has spread like wild rice on a tea saucer.
It was the latest chapter in the BDS (Bush Derangement Syndrome) anthology.
“It’s been ten years since that oddly public passionate kiss at the Democratic convention. That was followed by Gore winning the popular vote for President but losing the electoral vote. Family friend Sally Quinn says that may have done the marriage irreparable harm.”
QUINN: He obviously suffered a lot. And still is suffering. He’ll never get over that, and neither will she.
George Bush’s election in 2000 did irreparable harm to the Gore’s marriage?
I’m willing to be a sport and accept that there are a host of things that can be pinned to the juggernaut that was the evil of George W. Bush – hail storms, gas pains, in-grown hairs, muscular dystrophy, Keanu Reeves – but the break-up of the Gores?
Sure, I can see blaming Bush for the Gulf oil spill, the Tennessee floods, chronic halitosis, third-world hunger, seasons seven through eleven of M*A*S*H and painful rectal itch, but this too? Al and Tipper’s marital demise?
Who am I to say any different?
However, reports that cancer is now being linked to Bush cannot be confirmed.