Roman Around

combating liberalism and other childish notions

HOW I WILL SPEND MY EARTH DAY

Posted by Andrew Roman on April 22, 2010

As I did last year, I’d like to take this opportunity to share with you how I intend to spend Earth day, 2010.

As a rule, I prefer to keep the details of my personal life as private as possible, but in this age of environmental awareness and climate dysfunctionality, I thought it might be illuminating to share some of the more choice tidbits that are taking up slots on my Earth Day docket, the forty-first annual Earth Day.

I’ll forego the morning hygiene rituals and move right into the meat of my morning.

The first thing I will do upon rising is run out to the driveway and warm up my diesel-engine car for thirty minutes (even though it doesn’t need it). I will then enlist my twin daughters to help me turn on every television and radio in the house after giving each toilet a good flush. I will, of course, make sure we throw sizeable wads of triple-ply bathroom tissue into each bowl before doing so.

And don’t think I won’t be scolding them if they forget to leave the refrigerator door open.

I will, of course, then have them separate the laundry into thirty-six different loads and place them on the floor around the washing machine so that we might needlessly run the washer and dryer for three weeks.

After we finish breakfast – which we will eat on styrofoam plates – I will max out my carbon credit card by throwing the empty plastic milk container into the regular garbage pail instead of the recyclables can.

(I’m a wild man, I know).

I will then drive my daughters to school while puffing on a cigar with the window open, making sure the exhaled smoke fills as much of the lower atmosphere as possible. By the time I return home – emitting fifty miles worth of diesel engine pollutants into the air along the way – I will stop off to buy paper towels and more bathroom tissue. (While I do keep Handi Wipes in the kitchen under the sink, I find reusable rags somewhat disgusting. It’s easier and far more satisfying to fill my garbage cans – and ultimately the landfills – with endless clumps of paper towels.

In fact, I know I will get so caught up in the spirit of the day that I will purposely create spills in the kitchen just to go through an entire roll of super-absorbancy paper towels before 11AM. It will be as exhilarating as it will be inspiring … and messy.

As far as bathroom tissue is concerned, let’s just say there won’t be many septic tanks sending me happy notes.

I will then walk around the house arbitrarily spraying aerosol cans into the air.

Borrowing my friend’s fossil-fuel munching Hummer, I plan on driving around in circles until I find a Chinese Restaurant that specializes in MSG-laden foods and uses only energy-inefficient gas guzzlers to make their neighborhood deliveries.

Following lunch, I will go back to the supermarket and buy up all of their reusable “enviro-friendly” green shopping bags so that everyone who visits the store after me can get their groceries stuffed into those landfill choking “plastic” bags.

Before returning home, I will pull off to the side of the road and let the Hummer idle for three-and-a-half hours while I cut up the reusable grocery bags into kitty litter box liners.

Then, as I pull into my driveway, I will remember that I need to go out and run twelve more errands. I will drive the Hummer into Manhattan and purchase a little egg timer (as suggested by some of the Earth Day literature I had been looking at yesterday) so that I might be able to time my showers in the future to save water … and the planet.

Baths kill.

When I finish with my dozen errands, I will drop off the Hummer at my friend’s place and sit in my idling diesel car for fifty-eight minutes as I reflect on my busy afternoon, puffing on yet another cigar, contemplating the earth’s fragility and the Mets’ lousy offense.

Later, I hope  to find some time to plant a tree in honor of Earth Day, as President Barack Obama and former-President Bill Clinton did last year, but I’ll almost certainly wind up eating two Yodels and cleaning up after the dog instead.

After a quick bout of global warming-inducing flatulence, I will watch an episode of “The Critic,” take a Tylenol, and go to sleep.

It will be a day I’ll never remember.

Happy Earth Day everyone!

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6 Responses to “HOW I WILL SPEND MY EARTH DAY”

  1. Becca said

    You are a complete jerk. I hope noone takes you seriously. Earth day is a great day, a time for everyone to remember not to pollute the earth. You should be ashamed of yourself. I hope someday that if the earth does end, you will be unlucky because you spent the day creating more of a problem to global warming, you raging lunatic. Asshole. Andrew, you really suck.

    • Andrew Roman said

      A complete jerk?

      Great! I’ve made it.

      Now I can take it easy for a while.

      One quick question … what temperature should it be right now?

  2. Winston O Boogie said

    Dear Asshole,
    My compliments…this may be your best blog yet! Yes indeed, I enjoyed reading this while dining on my usual breakfast of scrambled Condor eggs; relaxing in my baby seal-skin slippers and tiger-hide robe; all the while lighting the lamps of my estate with the finest whale oil Japan has to offer.
    Like Becca, I too, hope the earth does end. That would solve everything, yes? Because of course everything you just said was completely, and utterly true…
    Just like Paul really IS dead and Lady Gaga is a man.
    And we cant have people that think like you running around now, can we?
    No, we sure cant.
    So lets light a cigar, tear down some more rain forests to build 7-11s, and all go out in a blaze of glory!

    Warmest Regards,
    R

    PS…DON’T TREAD ON ME.

    • Andrew Roman said

      Scrambled condor eggs? I haven’t seen those around in a while – not since I stopped working in that styrfoam factory across from the asbestos warehouse.

      I think you’d agree with me, however, that they just don;t do whale oil like they used to.

      Ahh .. the good ol’ days…

  3. EricTheRed said

    Sounds like a perfect day to me! Thanks for sharing, Andy!

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