Roman Around

combating liberalism and other childish notions

PRIMATES GETTIN’ HIGH ON OUR DIME

Posted by Andrew Roman on March 8, 2010

When you think “reviving the economy,” what comes to mind?

Implementing tax cuts? Less government regulation? Unleashing the power of the free market?

They seem like reasonable choices.

But maybe I’m being a bit too simplistic – a bit too ideological. Maybe my conservatism is showing.

Perhaps some nuance is required.

How about this: cocaine and monkeys?

How’s that for an economy-jolting combination?

When you hear the words “cocaine” and “monkeys” used in the same sentence, do you think of rejuvenating the American economy?

After all, what says “economic growth” more than using stimulus money to enable university researchers to feed blow to monkeys?

Benjamin Niolet of the Raleigh News Observer writes:

Monkeys are getting high for science in North Carolina.

An analyst at the Civitas Institute seized on that image when selecting a cocaine addiction study at Wake Forest University Medical School as No. 1 on a list of the “10 worst federal stimulus projects in North Carolina.” Civitas’ Brian Balfour takes swipes at projects, writing that they “seem completely unrelated to avoiding an economic ‘catastrophe,’ but rather an ad hoc satisfaction of countless dubious wish lists.”

So, what is the $71,623 federal stimulus grant paying for?

Well, a job, said Mark Wright, a spokesman for the Wake Forest University School of Medicine.

“It’s actually the continuation of a job that might not still be there if it hadn’t been for the stimulus funding. And it’s a good job,” Wright said. “It’s also very worthwhile research.”

The study is examining the effects of cocaine on a particular neurotransmitter among monkeys who have had a long-term addiction to cocaine.

Maybe I’m not focusing enough, but stoned primates generally don’t make me think, “Man, that stimulus money is working!”

I know I’m not a liberal, but let me try to wrap my brain around this somehow.

According to the brochure, the Obama “stimulus money” was meant to give a jolt to the ailing economy by creating or saving jobs. Thus, one would have to assume – considering billions and billions of jobs have already been “saved” by the stimulus bill – that this Wake Forest stimulus story is yet another example of an economy-saving Obamacratic triumph.

In short, because of this study – and others like it – the unemployment rate stayed just below 10%.

Thus, it would be correct to conclude that if not for this stimulus money, the snowblowing monkey researchers would have all been fired. If not for this stack of ObamaCash, all of these university folks have all been out of work.

After all, wasn’t Obama’s stimulus money meant to “create” or “save” jobs?

Certainly none were created here. It isn’t unreasonable to assume, then, that the jobs of these otherwise soon-to-be-unemployed university researchers were “saved” because of the continuance of “monkeys on coke” studies.

Ahh, makes sense now.

“How does this study help revive the economy?” Balfour asked.

Well, again, jobs, said Nancy Avis, a professor in the Department of Social Sciences and Health policy at the medical school. The funding, more than $147,000 over two years, will contribute to the salaries of six people.

Really?

So, are all of these six jobs considered “saved?” Without taxpayer dollars to help “revive the economy,” would these six “hanging-by-a-thread” researchers all been cast out to the unemployment lines? And if they were, wouldn’t they just be collecting government-provided funds in the form of unemployment anyway?

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